Little Risks = Big Shifts

Nicole has been telling me for years to get a "hobby"! My response has always been,  "I will when I don't have so much to do!" Secretly, I thought she was encouraging me to shirk my responsibilities.  In reality, she was simply trying to guide me toward expanding my "life practice".

This week, I realized I do have a hobby. Worrying. Talk about a treadmill that leads nowhere. What a bore, makes for excellent conversation, right?

Nicole: What did you do today, hon?"
Me: Uhhhhhh.....Worried.
Nicole: "Oh wow! Cool! How did that go?"
Me: Bad. Bad. Not good!
Nicole: "Yikes!  Watcha' gonna do tomorrow?"
Me: Same.
Nicole:  ??

22 years later...

This has been one long ride.  That is, until last week. Last week, I decided to take a small risk to shake it up. It couldn't hurt, right?  I could always go back to worrying.

So, last Wednesday, I took a jump at Hot Yoga.  It is a very sweaty business, which wasn't the risk.  The risk was all the MIRRORS! Somebody has put a middle-aged woman in my body! I am not kidding you. This was a complete shock and she looks absolutely nothing like me!

Worse yet, I joined the class with my friend the middle-aged super model.  You know the type..pretty, youngish, swaggy looking with rock hard abs and the legs of a 30 year old. Not cool. Plus, she had on this yoga attire that looked like a second skin. Her muscles ripped next to my cellulite infused thighs.  Nice. Great.

We laughed as she tried to help me look/feel presentable. Sweet as pie, she threw me yoga tops in the parking lot that no longer fit her, but made me look like a stripper in a wet tshirt contest. Laughing so hard, we both wished we had thought to wear a lady diaper.  We finally gave up, and I decided to rock my vneck cotton tshirt and my bell bottom running pants.

Once inside, we were both charmed by the effusive Hot Yoga instructor who tried to quell our fears of spending 1 1/2 hours in a 104 degree room performing yoga positions that were advertised for beginners, but in actuality, were more like moves from cirque du soleil.

But, we showed up and we tried. I made peace with the stranger in the mirror and managed to believe that I could finish the class without passing out or bolting from the room. And I did! Saturday we went back again.  This time, I had an outfit.

Saying Good-bye to Vacation: AKA, Hello Slogging

Shouldn't life be fun? Not all the time, but MOST of the time?  I don't want to feel like I am always waiting for my "weekend sandwich".  Thirty-six hours to rest, do chores and then, it's Monday...uhhhggg. Back to work. Weeks are long and sandwich's just aren't enough.

Don't get me wrong! Teaching, helping kids and working with like-minded adults is great! It's not the work...per se..it is the pace and the timing of work.  My dream is to say, "Get things started, I will be in by 10...ish". Not every day...but, some days...and other days I will be there by 8 am. It's not that I am lazy, I just want to follow my own beat.  I want flexibility.

I know, I sound like a whiner. I sound soft. Maybe I am. But, maybe I am not.

Is it wrong to want a high quality life? Is it wrong to want to bring your best to ALL of your life...not just to work?

I am ready for something new. Not sure what it is. But, I am definitely ready to get out of the 9 am-5 pm rut, or in my case, 7am - 5pm, or 7am - 7pm, or 9pm. Depends on the day, right?

Big Girl Panties: The Forest Wins (Again)!

Graceful is not a word that I would use to describe my life. In 2013, I was pushed off the treadmill, (once again) and into the woods. The woods are so peaceful. Then, of course, there are bugs, poison ivy, cold and hot weather, snakes, spiders...well, you get the picture. So, though I always land softly amid the undergrowth, daily life in the natural world can be a bit of a challenge.  I didn't even have a tent. Well, I did have an expensive house that came with the treadmill. I had car payments, health care, dental floss and Bed Bath and Beyond on my shopping list. In the woods, my currency was my imagination.  Although my imagination was handy, it wasn't of tangible assistance when the bills were due.

So, what now? Hmmm....I got nuthin'. 
  The phone rang, and one of my dearest friends,  said..."Hey! there is a teaching job available, it would be a great fit while you sort this out!" Unenthused, I said, "Thanks."

Really.  Teaching.  Again? 

I interviewed, laughed at the salary, and took the job. I was SO humbled.

Back to the woods. 

I had my ego up my a'rse. Plainly, I couldn't play kindly with others. Not because I am not nice, but because I was SO ticked off to be on the treadmill in the first place.  My ego wanted to be a hotshot with money flowin' from my Banana Republic pants. My heart was in a different place. 

My heart wanted to learn to love unconditionally. I did not have a clue about that. 

Life has a way of teaching. Sometimes it feels like my undies are riding up. Not pleasant. Time for a different size or undies design. Maybe I needed big girl panties. Oh my, not BIG GIRL PANTIES!

Fast forward. Still in the woods.  Teaching students with emotionally creative coping mechanisms. Hmmm. Might I see myself in these little people? Yes. I believe so. 

I am not out of the woods. Doubt if I will ever leave, again. I have found way too much peace here. I am a better mate, a better mother, a better friend than I have ever been.  It isn't all about me... and, I have learned that I DO matter.